everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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