Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
We don't watch enough power rangers
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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