My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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