if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
