my mouth tastes like poor choices
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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