The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
