I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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