In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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