Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
