I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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