I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
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