she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
