You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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