I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I need to align my fucking chakras
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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