And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
