She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
