I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
