This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
