Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
