I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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