life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
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