John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
