so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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