Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
