I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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