You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
