I am puke
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
