That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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