So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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