he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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