On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
