I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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