At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
