I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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