dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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