i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
