So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
