so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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