My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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