I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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