I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
