Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
