officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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