Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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