WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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