Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
