The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I am midnight drunk by noon
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
