??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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