Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
