And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
