I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
