Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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